I feel better today. Sober. Better able to think clearly and tackle some of my life. My heart still sears with the stab of her loss and my stomach churns with an empty hollow discomfort. The band-aid buzz of alcohol is now gone and I feel the pain, wholly and completely– yet I feel still feel I have to tell myself, “Yes, I know, how can I forget, mother is gone.” As much as people tell me she wouldn’t want me to be sad, it still offers me no comfort–it doesn’t bring her back or make it any better.
Currently, I am having an affair with a man who claims he no longer loves his wife and is merely waiting for his kid to leave to college so he can begin the divorce procedure. This began five months after my mom passed. His kid shares the same birthday as my mother, I took this as a sign. Maybe, she sent him to me. Maybe, this is my mother taking care of me from the afterlife, or maybe this is me making a bad grief-stricken decision. Never in my most clear days would I consider this involvement, but it’s still better than being alone and going to bars to meet random people just to feel a connection. He says he loves me, that he has for ten years, but hasn’t been able to make a move until now, that he is almost out of his marriage, but I know I’m wrong. I feel bad for the wife, the kid, but clearly these things happen when you are at your weakest and when all you really want is some company, someone to make you feel like the darkness will end, and someone to tell you the light will one day shine. I still want to have a family and I know I’m going about it the wrong way. This won’t last, but for now, at least I am not alone.
It’s funny when you consider certain friendships through this process. Some will stand by you and some will go. I’ve cut so many ties in the last year, and am not done yet, but how long until I am truly alone. For now it is probably best to do nothing, and try to think— a difficult task after such a loss. All I can say is, “Mom. I miss you. You would never want this for me. But I never wanted you gone either. I am doing the best I can at this current moment. And I hope if your spirit sees me you will help me on my path.” Thing is. I’m not sure there is an after life, or another level of being– but, I’m not sure– on my birthday this year– I did have a visitation dream. Multiple light bulbs went out in my apartment that day, along with multiple electrical surges and it hasn’t happened since. Whatever the case– my love for her will never die, but this pain will take some adjusting to.
I suppose her death gives me the liberty to fuck up my life in the most unimaginable ways, now that I have no one to keep me accountable– I even quit on me, I hate myself right now, for not being better, stronger, smarter. For being weak. We will soon see which roads I take and if this feeling of apathy will one day pass.
Today– I feel and I don’t like it.