Grief makes you dress like SHI@!!! Am I alone?

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I left the house to the grocery store wearing faded black work out pants, a black tank top, no bra (I really should wear a bra), a black and white poncho, leopard print flip-flops, and no make-up (no one should ever leave the house with at least mascara).  I didn’t care.  Until, I was bumped into by a very handsome man in the produce section. I think he was single– No ring! (but these days you really never know).

He smiled at me, and said, “Excuse, me.”  Scanned my face, then asked, “Are you okay?”

I said, “I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

“It’s just– you look a little pale,” he answered.

I looked at myself in the mirrored wall behind the produce, and I saw a ghost of myself. Pale. Sad. Broken.

Never in my life would I consider leaving the house looking at least somewhat presentable.  My long hair was strands of stringy mess strewn over my shoulders, hidden under a hat.  I have beautiful hair, at least I did once.  Thank god, I still bathe.

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I politely moved on, but it was at that moment that I realized how broken I really am. How much grief has taken its toll.  I simply don’t care about myself or how I physically appear to others, and I should.  This is not me.  My dear mother would be horrified if she saw me in some of the outfits I’ve thrown together, while forcing myself to leave the house for basic necessities. Sadly, this outfit is actually one of the better ones.  Granted, leaving the house for groceries is progress considering all I’ve been eating is take-out or delivery, but, I think, I’ve finally had it with feeling tired and malnourished.  My mother taught me to be put together, to be neat in appearance, to dress well.  I look like a slob and this is a dishonor to her.

Hopefully, next time I leave the house, I will look civilized and not homeless.

My new mantra is to be, “Stressed, depressed, but well dressed.”

What grief outfits have you worn? How bad have you looked? Hopefully,  I’m not alone.

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6 comments on “Grief makes you dress like SHI@!!! Am I alone?

  1. lynlee says:

    I am there with you. I’ve been wearing my boyfriends boxer briefs, t-shirts, basketball shorts and flannels the last 2weeks. He was a probably 3times my size. I haven’t really gone anywhere. But I did go to a movies, sense its a place I didn’t have to socialize. I am 24years old, and I have never got ID to see a movie until last week. I look like a 15year old tom boy. I know exactly what you mean about seeing a ghost of yourself. I am a fairly put together woman. and I look in the mirror and see someone who looks pale and fragile. I miss seeing myself. But that person seems so distant to me these days.

    • Sorry, I’m just responding— been a little tied up with being disowned and what not– lol.

      I guess we’re shells of ourselves until we are not. Ugh. Still working on it.

      But I have gotten nails done, shaved legs, dyed hair, did I mention I got fat?

      I’ll blog that later— but yeah, none of my clothes fits me.

      Me an cortisol don’t mix— but at least now I’m hitting the gym.

      Yeah. LIfe is hard. But, I’m still standing!

  2. jisselle87 says:

    Same thing happened to me. Happens to all of us I guess. You just stop caring. That’s totally alright. I remember after my sister died I was out in sweats for 80th time that month and said to my best friend, “Man, I don’t think I’ll ever have sex again ugh.” 5 mins later, saw a gorgeous guy and was like, “Yeah, I was wrong about that!” And we laughed, and laughed. Enjoy the fleeting good moments, don’t worry about what you wear, give yourself some time, some guilt free, bra less time.

    • Welp— my boobs are bigger. Now, I have no choice about not wearing a bra, since my bras don’t fit me. LOL.

      But, at least now I have the mind to take the weight off.

      Somehow, I’m still having sex, at least it’s with someone who likes me a little heavier— strange but true….wish I was as fat as I thought I was 20 pounds ago!

      I’m, okay, now. But I guess the message is— grief can really damage you in more ways than one, sometimes you have to take it by the horns.

      I hope you are well, and, also sorry for the late reply— as I’ mentioned— by brother and I are going through the disownment process. Been rough, but it’s made us closer and that’s great!

  3. Donna says:

    After reading these I feel somewhat oddly better. My mom died June 17, 2015 and I remember driving home about a month and a half ago and I called my husband and said ” wow, you must really love me” his response was why? And on that ride home I realized I went 3 weeks after my mom passed and didn’t shower or anything, his reply ” I am saying nothing” you don’t realize how powerful grief is and the toll it takes on you both physically and mentally but I did appreciate reading these because I felt like I was reading about myself.

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