Begin Again

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Still

I sit and look into empty air

Memory boxes packed

Relics of a broken childhood

To all this I say, “goodbye”  

                                                                                                                                                                

“Bye”, to the house I grew up in

“Bye”, to the happiness and pain

“Bye”, to the brother who rejects me

“Bye”, to the father who left me

“Bye”, to the father who denied me

“Bye”, to the place you passed                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Tired

I lie in bed defeated by all

Waiting for willpower to take me

Someplace new

Someplace fresh

Some new start over                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Broken

Again and again

A China doll of powdery pieces

No courage

No choice

I begin again

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“Friend Just Died I Don’t Know What To Do”

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My mom passed over two years ago and I stumbled upon this passage in a blog about grief, which really sums up the journey we go through and why we should celebrate each scar we gain in the process.

Ahead is the response, by an older man,  to the blogger who wrote, “My friend just died I don’t know what to do”.

“Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gorged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

Hope this helps you out.

Ahead is the link:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2

Tsunami warning along California Coastline

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Pray for those in Chile and along the coast.

Huge Chile earthquake brings tsunami advisory for California coastline
Tsunami advisory
A tsunami advisory was issued Wednesday for coastal areas of California after a magnitude 8.3 earthquake struck Chile. (National Tsunami Warning Center)
By MATT HAMILTON contact the reporter Earthquakes Tsunamis Weather National Weather Service

A tsunami advisory has been issued for coastal areas of California after a magnitude 8.3 earthquake hit central Chile on Wednesday.

The tsunami advisory extends from San Onofre State Beach in San Clemente, about 55 miles north of San Diego, to Ragged Point, about 50 miles north of San Luis Obispo, according to the National Tsunami Warning Center.

National weather officials expect the tsunami will begin to affect the California coast about 4:46 a.m. in Newport Beach and travel swiftly, arriving a minute later in the Port of Los Angeles. By 5:06 a.m., the tsunami will arrive in Santa Barbara, and by 5:10 a.m., in Port San Luis.

8.3 quake strikes near Chile’s capital, prompting strong aftershocks
8.3 quake strikes near Chile’s capital, prompting strong aftershocks
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A “widespread inundation of land is not expected” for these advisory areas, with the tsunami wave predicted to reach up to 1 foot in the Port of Los Angeles and Pismo Beach. Forecasters expect strong currents and dangerous waves, and the ocean current could be especially hazardous for several hours, according to the Tsunami Warning Center.
“Anybody is going to be susceptible to this. It’s not like a storm — where it only affects a particular area or southwest-facing beaches,” said Stuart Seto, a weather specialist with the National Weather Service. “This is like a very long wave. But the first wave may not be the largest. It may go on for many hours.”

In anticipation of dangerous currents, the Orange County Sheriff’s Department announced that all beaches, harbors and marinas would close there as of 4:00 a.m. No evacuation orders were issued in Orange County. The Ventura County sheriff’s department urged residents to use “extra caution” around beaches and instructed mariners to also use additional prudence.

In Chile, the powerful earthquake was followed by at least three aftershocks above magnitude 6, according to the U.S. Geological Service.

See the most-read stories this hour >>
Those along Chile’s Pacific shore, from Puerto Aysen to Arica, were ordered to evacuate and seek higher ground.

The National Weather Service said that for Hawaii, the initial wave of the tsunami would arrive at 3:11 a.m. local time. A major tsunami was not expected for Hawaii, but sea level changes and strong currents could pose a hazard to swimmers and boaters as well as others near the shore. The threat could continue for several hours after the first wave hits, the weather service said.

In recent years, powerful earthquakes have struck other parts of the Pacific Rim, generating tsunamis that have proved deadly once arriving in California.

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A magnitude 8.8 earthquake rocked Chile in Feb. 27, 2010, with tsunami waves as high as 3 feet arriving in Santa Barbara and Santa Cruz, according to data compiled by the state Department of Conservation. Currents reached speeds of up to 15 knots, or about 17 mph, far above the 8-knot threshold needed for currents to damage piers and harbors.

The Feb. 27 tsunami set boats loose and damaged 20 docks in Ventura Harbor. Shelter Island in San Diego also reported significant damage.

Less than two weeks later on March 11, 2011, a tsunami battered parts of the California coast after the deadly earthquake hit off the northeastern coast of Japan.
The tsunami brought 6- to 8-foot surges that flooded beaches and harbors, splintering docks, crushing scores of boats and triggering the evacuations of residents near the shore. One person died, and marinas and harbors up and down the coast saw extensive damage.

The waves from the Japanese earthquake were significantly larger than the ones expected to hit Southern California early Thursday.

After the 8.3 magnitude temblor hit Wednesday, tsunami waves of 15 feet were observed at Coquimbo, Chile, while Valparaiso and Quintero saw waves of about 6 feet. Between 3- and 10-foot waves could arrive in French Polynesia. Waves between 1 foot and 3 feet were possible along some coasts in Mexico, Ecuador, Japan, Russia and New Zealand.

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-tsunami-advisory-california-earthquake-chile-20150916-story.html

Grief is about rebuilding

knowwherehome

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A great quote on the journey we all go through when we lose someone special:

“Every great loss demands that we choose life again.  We need to grieve in order to do this.  The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life.  When we don’t grieve, a part of us becomes caught in the past like Lot’s wife who, because she looked back, was turned into a pillar of salt.  Grieving is not about forgetting.  Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain.  It is a sorting process.  One by one you let go of the things that are gone and you mourn for them.  One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again.” ~ Rachel Naomi Remen

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Two Years Past….I Miss You Mom!

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It’s been two years since she left us.
Two years since I got the call.
Two years spent lost inside myself,
In a sea of pain, struggling against each wave.
Hoping for a moment of peace.

I’ve cried inconsolably.
Lost friends. Made friends.
Days spent staring at four walls.
Nights spent in a dreamless haze wondering,
“Could this be real?”

Mistakes. I’ve made so many.
Hoping she’d somehow come,
And set me straight again.
To have her scream at me.
To hear her yell, “Stop! I love you!”

I think back to that day, that year, these nights,
And wonder how I’ve made it through,
With most of my heart torn away.
I’ve become sensitive,
Each slight an open wound.

I wish I could say more happy things.
I wish I could not feel the pain.
I wish I could live each day, as she would want me to,
But right now, I just pull through,
And to me, that is victory.

I miss you, Mom.
You were the greatest. Are the greatest.
Today, I hold on to the love you gave me,
And ask those closest to me,
To treasure the love of a mom.

Black Widow

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After we lost our mother we were destroyed
Our house infiltrated by the devil
Eager to break our spirit
Eager to break our fragile bond
Took what treasure she could get her chubby little hands on
Heart
Soul

My mother’s “friend”
Demonic grin
Fake saggy tits
Cellulite ass
Clutching. Grasping.
Pursed bloated lips against a wine glass
Seductive to a blind man
Still married. She got a ring. A diamond ring
They’re only “things” right?

Single White Female in my mother’s clothing
Single White Female scavenging for jewels
Vulture. Bottom feeder. Tramp
Using her musky rotten scent to entrap a weak man
Dying her hair just the right color, just like my mom’s
Sending a poor fragile old soldier on the hunt for gifts
Not just any gift, the “just right gift”
The right expensive gift

A house ransacked
A grave desecrated
A family destroyed
Father against son
Father against daughter
Brother against sister
All in the name of “love”

Sad the women who get away with this
Sad the women who lack values, morals or goodwill
Sad the women who destroy the pure and good
But the Devil always gets hers
Someone looking. Watching. Waiting
An Angel
A hunter
To shoot the demon where it hurts