Christmas. Alone.

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The last time I saw my brother he said he was there for me.

That I always have a room at his house.

That he is on my side.

The day before I left, he told me to take my stuff out of his house.

Because things have changed. He and his wife are having a baby.

 

He knew this before he made claims of being there for me.

I know a baby means change, but the baby was only eight weeks in.

I’m happy for him, I guess.

In many ways I don’t care anymore.

I’m okay with that too. Maybe I should care more. But I don’t.

No one needs to seek abuse.

 

In this journey you realize you are alone and somehow have to be okay with it.

There is a shift happening inside me, where I am okay in this loneliness.

Sometimes I’m not.

But I’m more okay than not, right now.

I still cry over all this loss. But that’s okay too.

At least I feel.

 

Mom.

Step-dad.

Dad.

Brother.

All lost. All gone.

 

I have to take care of me, because no one else will.

And as much as this hurts.

It’s okay. I’m okay. I have to believe that.

As I go on to create my own tribe, I stand alone.

But my tribe is my choice.

 

Christmas has changed forever.

But I’m okay.

 

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Forgiveness Is Overrated

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There’s this notion that life is about forgiveness, but the more I live and look at certain people and analyze certain events in my life, the more I realize that life is about accepting the truth and finding a way to live with it.

 

Take my stepfather.

 

He was in Special Forces.

A well-decorated war vet.

A Mason.

A Shriner.

But deep down, he’s a coward.

 

His true self is:

Abusive.

Mean.

Narcissistic.

He’s a bully.

 

What man hits a little girl, or sends his teenager to jail for an unpaid traffic ticket, or tells her that it’s not his fault she’s all fucked up and no one will marry her?

 

Clearly. I have my demons, but I know deep down in my core. I am not a bad person. I did not deserve his treatment and neither did my mother.

 

But.

 

My mother chose him.

I did not.

My mother stayed him.

I don’t have to.

My mother let him bully her.

I can stand up for myself.

 

The only person I have to forgive in this equation is my mother, for trying to make things work with a sociopath, for not knowing her worth. I’m barely uncovering mine, and in this process, I realize I DON’T have to forgive him, but hold him accountable for the things he’s done. I DON’T EVER have to subject myself to his abuse again, and I have to trust that the TRUTH will prevail; no matter how difficult that is to prove.

 

My soul hurt at not being at not being loved by him.

At not being understood.

At being forced to sit in the sidelines and wonder:

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • What’s made me unlovable?
  • Why I’ve accepted less than I deserve?

But, now I know none of this is my fault.

I am better than that. Better than him.

He does not deserve my love, my forgiveness, or my goodness.

 

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Disowned

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In the past four months, my brother and I have now lost our father. I may have mentioned in other posts that he is a narcissist. I have tried so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, to get close to him, but not anymore.

Ronald has been targeted by a “sweetheart swindler”, who also happened to be my mother’s friend when she was alive. Four months ago, this “friend” seduced our father. He is my stepfather and my brother’s full-blooded father.

In four months, she has taken him to her CPA, her attorney,  her bank to change his accounts, and, now he has plans on selling the house he and my mother built together and had always intended to give us—because he has it in his mind that he is going to marry this woman. He has bought her an $11,000.00 “engagement ring. He is acting the fool. She is 65 years old and he is 81.

She has him convinced that they will marry, once we finish the probate of  my mother’s will. She has him taking Cialis and is promising sex with him once they get “married”— this will never happen. She is known for her promiscuity in our community— and still has numerous lovers.

Her plan is to get him to sell off all his properties, so that she may have access to the liquidity of his pensions. What is going to happen when he realizes that he no longer has a home, because he sold it? Odds are she will put him in a home and become his legal guardian. We’ve been through two attorneys, who know of her reputation of taking financial advantage of people already. There seems to be no justice for people like this.

This woman is a sociopath, capable of many dark things. We know her kids well, since we grew up with them and have had a very difficult time with her insanity.  They think she has killed their dogs, resorted to black magic to get them to bend to her will, and has been known to drug her workers with sedatives to put them in compliant zombie like states, and now, her focus is on her father.  She has always been jealous of our mother for having the “stability” she never had, and has never liked us.  She is a psychologist and uses her intelligence to harm people– seducing men while attending marriage therapy with their wives, and the like.

Our “father” has now verbally told us that he is abandoning us like he did his last family, because he “deserves to be happy”. We’ve been trying to protect him from this demon, but this is becoming a losing battle. We don’t think he cares either way what she does to him, as long as he continues to think he may get to see her naked.   He began to target me, for my mother’s jewelry, the moment she came into his life, that jewelry was mine– my mother’s express wishes. I’m sure, this is  because he wanted to give my mother’s jewelry to her. She also convinced him to get rid of all of my mother’s clothing– he special gowns and suits— nice stuff.  My brother and I had already planned to do this with our “father” this summer.  But she went ahead and invited her girlfriends over to pick through her things like vultures and now all my mother’s clothing is gone.  This was the last straw. I was heart-broken when I found this out.

He threatened legal action against us, for “defaming her” and for “stealing” from the house he and my mother built.

We were barely climbing out of the two-year hole of grief, after the loss of mom, but now we have to deal with the reality that our “father” will always choose himself first. Maybe, it’s a blessing in disguise—now he is truly on his own, and this is his choice not ours— so when he tries to come back to us, there will be nothing left—that is if he ever does.

What once could have been love for him is turning into hate.

Mom should have NEVER married him. He is currently in his right mind, and has just found someone to give him permission to be who he truly is. An asshole.