“Friend Just Died I Don’t Know What To Do”


My mom passed over two years ago and I stumbled upon this passage in a blog about grief, which really sums up the journey we go through and why we should celebrate each scar we gain in the process.

Ahead is the response, by an older man,  to the blogger who wrote, “My friend just died I don’t know what to do”.

“Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gorged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

Hope this helps you out.

Ahead is the link:


Tsunami warning along California Coastline


Pray for those in Chile and along the coast.

Huge Chile earthquake brings tsunami advisory for California coastline
Tsunami advisory
A tsunami advisory was issued Wednesday for coastal areas of California after a magnitude 8.3 earthquake struck Chile. (National Tsunami Warning Center)
By MATT HAMILTON contact the reporter Earthquakes Tsunamis Weather National Weather Service

A tsunami advisory has been issued for coastal areas of California after a magnitude 8.3 earthquake hit central Chile on Wednesday.

The tsunami advisory extends from San Onofre State Beach in San Clemente, about 55 miles north of San Diego, to Ragged Point, about 50 miles north of San Luis Obispo, according to the National Tsunami Warning Center.

National weather officials expect the tsunami will begin to affect the California coast about 4:46 a.m. in Newport Beach and travel swiftly, arriving a minute later in the Port of Los Angeles. By 5:06 a.m., the tsunami will arrive in Santa Barbara, and by 5:10 a.m., in Port San Luis.

8.3 quake strikes near Chile’s capital, prompting strong aftershocks
8.3 quake strikes near Chile’s capital, prompting strong aftershocks
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A “widespread inundation of land is not expected” for these advisory areas, with the tsunami wave predicted to reach up to 1 foot in the Port of Los Angeles and Pismo Beach. Forecasters expect strong currents and dangerous waves, and the ocean current could be especially hazardous for several hours, according to the Tsunami Warning Center.
“Anybody is going to be susceptible to this. It’s not like a storm — where it only affects a particular area or southwest-facing beaches,” said Stuart Seto, a weather specialist with the National Weather Service. “This is like a very long wave. But the first wave may not be the largest. It may go on for many hours.”

In anticipation of dangerous currents, the Orange County Sheriff’s Department announced that all beaches, harbors and marinas would close there as of 4:00 a.m. No evacuation orders were issued in Orange County. The Ventura County sheriff’s department urged residents to use “extra caution” around beaches and instructed mariners to also use additional prudence.

In Chile, the powerful earthquake was followed by at least three aftershocks above magnitude 6, according to the U.S. Geological Service.

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Those along Chile’s Pacific shore, from Puerto Aysen to Arica, were ordered to evacuate and seek higher ground.

The National Weather Service said that for Hawaii, the initial wave of the tsunami would arrive at 3:11 a.m. local time. A major tsunami was not expected for Hawaii, but sea level changes and strong currents could pose a hazard to swimmers and boaters as well as others near the shore. The threat could continue for several hours after the first wave hits, the weather service said.

In recent years, powerful earthquakes have struck other parts of the Pacific Rim, generating tsunamis that have proved deadly once arriving in California.

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A magnitude 8.8 earthquake rocked Chile in Feb. 27, 2010, with tsunami waves as high as 3 feet arriving in Santa Barbara and Santa Cruz, according to data compiled by the state Department of Conservation. Currents reached speeds of up to 15 knots, or about 17 mph, far above the 8-knot threshold needed for currents to damage piers and harbors.

The Feb. 27 tsunami set boats loose and damaged 20 docks in Ventura Harbor. Shelter Island in San Diego also reported significant damage.

Less than two weeks later on March 11, 2011, a tsunami battered parts of the California coast after the deadly earthquake hit off the northeastern coast of Japan.
The tsunami brought 6- to 8-foot surges that flooded beaches and harbors, splintering docks, crushing scores of boats and triggering the evacuations of residents near the shore. One person died, and marinas and harbors up and down the coast saw extensive damage.

The waves from the Japanese earthquake were significantly larger than the ones expected to hit Southern California early Thursday.

After the 8.3 magnitude temblor hit Wednesday, tsunami waves of 15 feet were observed at Coquimbo, Chile, while Valparaiso and Quintero saw waves of about 6 feet. Between 3- and 10-foot waves could arrive in French Polynesia. Waves between 1 foot and 3 feet were possible along some coasts in Mexico, Ecuador, Japan, Russia and New Zealand.


Grief is about rebuilding



A great quote on the journey we all go through when we lose someone special:

“Every great loss demands that we choose life again.  We need to grieve in order to do this.  The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life.  When we don’t grieve, a part of us becomes caught in the past like Lot’s wife who, because she looked back, was turned into a pillar of salt.  Grieving is not about forgetting.  Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain.  It is a sorting process.  One by one you let go of the things that are gone and you mourn for them.  One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again.” ~ Rachel Naomi Remen

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Two Years Past….I Miss You Mom!


It’s been two years since she left us.
Two years since I got the call.
Two years spent lost inside myself,
In a sea of pain, struggling against each wave.
Hoping for a moment of peace.

I’ve cried inconsolably.
Lost friends. Made friends.
Days spent staring at four walls.
Nights spent in a dreamless haze wondering,
“Could this be real?”

Mistakes. I’ve made so many.
Hoping she’d somehow come,
And set me straight again.
To have her scream at me.
To hear her yell, “Stop! I love you!”

I think back to that day, that year, these nights,
And wonder how I’ve made it through,
With most of my heart torn away.
I’ve become sensitive,
Each slight an open wound.

I wish I could say more happy things.
I wish I could not feel the pain.
I wish I could live each day, as she would want me to,
But right now, I just pull through,
And to me, that is victory.

I miss you, Mom.
You were the greatest. Are the greatest.
Today, I hold on to the love you gave me,
And ask those closest to me,
To treasure the love of a mom.

Black Widow


After we lost our mother we were destroyed
Our house infiltrated by the devil
Eager to break our spirit
Eager to break our fragile bond
Took what treasure she could get her chubby little hands on

My mother’s “friend”
Demonic grin
Fake saggy tits
Cellulite ass
Clutching. Grasping.
Pursed bloated lips against a wine glass
Seductive to a blind man
Still married. She got a ring. A diamond ring
They’re only “things” right?

Single White Female in my mother’s clothing
Single White Female scavenging for jewels
Vulture. Bottom feeder. Tramp
Using her musky rotten scent to entrap a weak man
Dying her hair just the right color, just like my mom’s
Sending a poor fragile old soldier on the hunt for gifts
Not just any gift, the “just right gift”
The right expensive gift

A house ransacked
A grave desecrated
A family destroyed
Father against son
Father against daughter
Brother against sister
All in the name of “love”

Sad the women who get away with this
Sad the women who lack values, morals or goodwill
Sad the women who destroy the pure and good
But the Devil always gets hers
Someone looking. Watching. Waiting
An Angel
A hunter
To shoot the demon where it hurts



In the past four months, my brother and I have now lost our father. I may have mentioned in other posts that he is a narcissist. I have tried so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, to get close to him, but not anymore.

Ronald has been targeted by a “sweetheart swindler”, who also happened to be my mother’s friend when she was alive. Four months ago, this “friend” seduced our father. He is my stepfather and my brother’s full-blooded father.

In four months, she has taken him to her CPA, her attorney,  her bank to change his accounts, and, now he has plans on selling the house he and my mother built together and had always intended to give us—because he has it in his mind that he is going to marry this woman. He has bought her an $11,000.00 “engagement ring. He is acting the fool. She is 65 years old and he is 81.

She has him convinced that they will marry, once we finish the probate of  my mother’s will. She has him taking Cialis and is promising sex with him once they get “married”— this will never happen. She is known for her promiscuity in our community— and still has numerous lovers.

Her plan is to get him to sell off all his properties, so that she may have access to the liquidity of his pensions. What is going to happen when he realizes that he no longer has a home, because he sold it? Odds are she will put him in a home and become his legal guardian. We’ve been through two attorneys, who know of her reputation of taking financial advantage of people already. There seems to be no justice for people like this.

This woman is a sociopath, capable of many dark things. We know her kids well, since we grew up with them and have had a very difficult time with her insanity.  They think she has killed their dogs, resorted to black magic to get them to bend to her will, and has been known to drug her workers with sedatives to put them in compliant zombie like states, and now, her focus is on her father.  She has always been jealous of our mother for having the “stability” she never had, and has never liked us.  She is a psychologist and uses her intelligence to harm people– seducing men while attending marriage therapy with their wives, and the like.

Our “father” has now verbally told us that he is abandoning us like he did his last family, because he “deserves to be happy”. We’ve been trying to protect him from this demon, but this is becoming a losing battle. We don’t think he cares either way what she does to him, as long as he continues to think he may get to see her naked.   He began to target me, for my mother’s jewelry, the moment she came into his life, that jewelry was mine– my mother’s express wishes. I’m sure, this is  because he wanted to give my mother’s jewelry to her. She also convinced him to get rid of all of my mother’s clothing– he special gowns and suits— nice stuff.  My brother and I had already planned to do this with our “father” this summer.  But she went ahead and invited her girlfriends over to pick through her things like vultures and now all my mother’s clothing is gone.  This was the last straw. I was heart-broken when I found this out.

He threatened legal action against us, for “defaming her” and for “stealing” from the house he and my mother built.

We were barely climbing out of the two-year hole of grief, after the loss of mom, but now we have to deal with the reality that our “father” will always choose himself first. Maybe, it’s a blessing in disguise—now he is truly on his own, and this is his choice not ours— so when he tries to come back to us, there will be nothing left—that is if he ever does.

What once could have been love for him is turning into hate.

Mom should have NEVER married him. He is currently in his right mind, and has just found someone to give him permission to be who he truly is. An asshole.